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Image credit: ifunny.co

Image credit: ifunny.co

Sometimes it is really interesting to take some time off, absolutely off from all the things you are constantly dwelling around, and see your tower of imagination and beliefs being torn. Its not like that it happens to me a lot but something like that happened to me at the instances when I discovered the fact that WWE fights are not real. The crumbling thing, it didn't happen to me the moment I discovered such tragedy. It happens to you in a strange way, you start questioning your beliefs. You think whether it is worth watching. The fight sequences you didn't want to miss now doesn't bother even if you missed them. Series of slow motion self doubts and detachments happen. Then, there comes a time when, even if you are reminded of it, it feels like why would you behave like that in the first place. Now, the very tragedy becomes a part of you ready to be shattered like its predecessor.

The moment of discovery and realization are terms often used so synonymously that the moments like this poke you to think if they even are related. They being interchanged, more often than not brings about the mere question "How?".

Those sudden discoveries are not palatable enough to accept reality. It is like the feeling you have when you loose a video-game CD you had. Now, all you can imagine is how cool the video game could have been. You ignore the whole idea that it could have been the worst game you could have ever played. It is a moment you feel someone has snatched away the entire concept of freedom from you. The freedom to imagine things with your video-game. Imaginations of show-offs. Imagination of vintage collection. Imaginations so deep and intense that you want that entire moment to be unreal. You hope that you might find it somewhere suddenly like you lost it. You just don't wan to accept the reality since it doesn't makes sense to your imaginary world, it challenges your basic human instinct of attachment, it makes you vulnerable, makes you alone and compels seek something other.  Human brain doesn't want complexities. It fancies patterns, and this suddenness disturbs that pattern and your brain wants to reject that whole idea disturbing it.

I saw my grandfather die in-front of me. But seeing that happen didn't make me accept he wasn't alive anymore. The more I see his face, more I would think he will wake up and call me. I imagined talking to him again and ask him tons of questions which I had never thought of before. My freedom was being snatched away. Freedom to be with my grandfather. Freedom that I would never have otherwise cared for, but wanted the most in that moment

Realizations are far away from the moments of discoveries and encounters. And all of us die without realizing most of the things. The WWE thing, the fact of it being scripted, it doesn't bother me anymore. I have realized that WWE is not real and accepted it. I somehow with time processed that fact in my mind, I learnt to find new things to enjoy. But even though I witnessed my grandfather's body turning to ashes, I sometimes don't want to accept that. I haven't realized the very truth I encountered. Realizing something is process, with varying period for every occurrences or it is something I like to believe in.

Now, after all these years of pretending to read books. After constantly annoying people about the idea of reading, I recently discovered I haven't actually read any book to understand what it really was saying or trying so. I discovered, I was just reciting the words like some mantras those cult-godmen give their sheeple. I was simply just propagating someone's ideas as mine, and it really didn't matter to me whether I really believed those words or not. I was just mesmerized by my own bubble of thoughts, "how cool I am, I read books, foreign books", and never had I once tried to think about the stuffs I had so called "read".

I find myself struggling to form sentences to describe what I really think because it wasn't reading that was hard but the thinking was and I had never really done that. Most of the people had have figured it out, and I was just pretending. I am watching my ego about reading books crumbling down. Some part of me still wants me to carry on with this masquerade but I know my grandfather is dead and I want to accept that.

request: whoever is reading this, please do leave a comment. write what you thought about this, imperative sentence wouldn't be enough though. 

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